How to Actually Get What You Want in Your Relationship, Part 1

Ever feel like you vent to your partner and your point isn’t getting across?
Or maybe that you are clearly telling them the problem and they’re not making an effort to change or fix the bad action or behavior?
Is your relationship dysfunctional (shout-out to my boyfriend’s ex)?

Scott Disick asks Kourtney Kardashian what are you insane

If you are slapped with the “crazy” label by your partner or past partners, there is hope in making a request that is succinct and logical. Use these four tips below to explain to your partner your feelings and get what you want.

These four tips are a formula – they’re sort of a script to follow. Feel free to write down what you want to say ahead of time! That always helps me to gather my thoughts. When I’m prepared with what I want to say, it’s easier for me to remain calm and prevent the argument from getting heated.

1) State the Facts

Scott Disick kisses Kourtney Kardashian on the side of the head in bed

Lay out the situation by only factoids, no feelings. Facts are defined as things that everyone in the room would agree to be true. For example, “the sky is blue” is a fact – “the sky makes me sad and reminds me of my childhood” is not.

Example: The Benz was parked in the guest garage last night. We agreed that my Benz would be parked in the third garage off of the side of the main part of the house last month when you moved back in to the house.

2) Listen to Madonna and Express Yourself

Kourtney Kardashian kisses Scott Disick while holding her son Mason Disick

Now that you’ve made your case, explain to your partner how those facts make you feel. When I say feel, I don’t mean you can say “I feel that you are a jerkface.” If it’s an insult or an accusation, throwing “I feel” in the beginning isn’t going to make a difference. The formula is:

“I feel” + emotion + “when” + [action]

Example: I feel really frustrated when I go to find my Benz and it’s not where I left it. It’s stressful to me to already be in a hurry and getting the kids ready, and when I can’t find the Benz, it adds to my stress.

3) Pop the Question

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick kiss to make up

You’ve dropped the facts, you’ve let your partner in on how it makes you feel – now ask for what you want.
It sounds easy enough, but this can be a part that ladies struggle with. We love to vent our feelings, but we don’t get to the part where we ask for something different to prevent those hurt feelings. If there’s something you want your partner to do or stop doing, ask them directly.

Example: Can you park the Benz in the third garage?

4) Remind Them of Their Reward

Kourtney Kardashion lifts her hands in victory

Show them how completing the task that you ask benefits not only you, but them as well.

Example: When the Benz is parked in its proper space in the third garage, it leaves room in the guest garage for you to put that Astin Martin that you’ve been wanting.

This article is based on a behavioral therapy system developed By Marsha Linehan. Read more about her work here.

Got this down? Head over to Part 2, where I have some tips for this four-step system.

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